I can cry if I want to....

OH WOW! What a shit day. As shitty as it can get. Had a horrendous episode at my new work today. Counting that its just my 8th day. This is the first time i lost my temper so fast in a new env. Anyways... just one sentence. THEY ARE ALL BLOODEE FUCKED UP IDIOTS!

I am looking to move. Why the R place hasn't called!!!! WHY!!!!! called my home but didn't call me!!!! WHAT WHAT WHAT THE THE THE SHITS

I really can't take it any longer. Now have to do coding also. WHAT THE SHIT!
Like that hsould have stayed in O rite? Salary higher but work till 7pm everyday.... not worth it lah. Better keep the money....

So sien lah.....................................................

One thing i have realized, during this crucial period in my life , I found out who are my friends.. So its good in a sense. I even have an ex team mate in AU called me over the phone to see how I am and trying to help me get my resume in there.

I need a break. I got one but it turned out to be the wrong one. I pray very hard that I can leave this shit hole soon.

Please grant me the sanity to be able to live another day till the rite one comes along.

Good luck coming

Okie I am trying to create positive vibes. At work, I boh chap liao. Coz I know I can give my 24 hour anytime hahaha.. YOOOOOO feels good man. So don't give two shits on the senior who is such an idiot. Second thing is that i found he and the idiot boss veyr pally but at work show that they are not in good terms?!??!?! why??? for what shit??? dont' get all this china man mentality

Gosh.. the manager cant' even speak well.. tergugap gugap like that.

Anyways.. I went for a int today. and was short listed but i need to spend 4 hours with them on monday so now i need to think it over. And 2 more company called. one called my house and didn't bother to call me back on my mobile. Why are some people so gong gong one

pray fr me lah.. really need a good one so can stay for at least 1 year before I go to AU.

what should be da next solution

Monday came, monday went. Tuesday is here. what have i achieved. Nothing but more misery. I think I need to end this cycle of depression.

What the next decision on this. To leave or not to leave. Tomorrow probably have to work till 3-4am. Sigh... what a dits.

not in the mood to write. so miserable.

Friday once more

My working life to date, I have only been working 5 days week. But recently there was an opening in a bank that works 5.5 days a week but 1st and 3rd Sat off. I wonder what will I do if i get the offer considering, over here right now, its just been 5 days here but its has been such a long week.

Let me just give a quick background. On monday 21st June, the day which was suppose to mark my new life and new career. But it turned out to be a total disaster. The env is so different from what was stipulated earlier during the interview. The manager has no stands and from what I can see, he doesn't know what the HECK he is doing. I should have followed by Guts then when I got the offer letter and felt there was something not right.

For the next one, I have to use my gut feeling and also ask the right questions. I hope it will be better.

I have to look forward to a better lifstyle and a happier but I dont' think I have to compromise on my salary. Will still ask for what I am getting here now. I pray and hope that I will be blessed with the next job.

For these past few days, I have been totally distressed. I am so glad that I have a mom who is so supportive. Unfortunately, my dad is just so otherwise.

But sometimes, I wonder, if i even know what I want. From the very first day I step foot back to Malaysia and to the working world, I have already decided that I wanted a 5 day job, never ever a 5.5 day job. I wanted a job with a multinational company. I have had that for the last 8 years of my working life but it seems I am still not happy. So the question would be, What exactly would I want.

Now this new job, it is a 5 day a week job but then you're expected to work late and also come in on sat! So at the end of the day.... what do you have? Nothing.

So i probably should keep an open mind about working on alternate sat!

At work at 7am?

Sometimes as they say its better the devil you know. I have been discontented with the working hours during consulting and I was tremendously disappointed that the expectation was not made right during the interview.

I need to leave this forsaken place. I dont' yet what i want to do but i forsee alot of crap. I dont' believe I want my life to be this way. So what to do now.

I am quite certain that I will not stay long. So its time to contact all my... people again and get help.

Belfong, can help or not? Your place got openings or not? Pre sales also okay..

The walking Zombie

It has been awhile since I have had any good sleep at all. And this morning I was up already at 3am. I am just too caught up with this inability of mine and I have to make a decision soon.

I do not thinking leading my life this way is the rite way to go.

Whats the plan? Called Jee Ku but he is in KK right now. Can't hear him well. Well just do it loh. No choice liao. What else is there man......

I will call Fenny today and see how that goes.

Anticipation

Its Sunday. But since ysterday(sat) i haven't stopped thinking about Monday which is tomorrow. I will begin a new chapter in my life tomorrow. But I am afraid. Afraid of the unknown. I keep seeing the Manager's face. THe first interview that they gave me really hard time. Then i got a call from an ex col who told me 10 years ago , that was where he worked?? ARRGGGH WHy didn't he tell me earlier??? I dont' know lah. Doesnt' have a good vibe about tomorrow. But i have to try! Coz i need to at least get some money first before I decide what i want to do.

But since yesterday, I have already decided that I want to Leave this LINE of work! WHY coz its just a crazy uninteresting Field of work. After 8 years in this.... and not liking and forcing myself to wake up each morning and drag myself to work, I think I have to seriously consider another profession. With another Profession would mean a huge pay cut too. But will that compensate the happiness...?

One biggest fear of mine is that I might be able to do the job! Sigh. ANother thing is financial industry wor... cannot YAHOO msg and access YAHOO email leh.. DIE DIE.....

Hopefully that story ain't true.....

Pray pray pray .. and tmorrow need to find parking sommore.. sigh.

Don't want to work late and now have to work late during month end.. what the SHIT!

One more day and counting

Tomorrow marks my last day here. How do I feel? Well, today I feel abit happier. Don't why.....

YK now says tha she probably can't lend me the manuals. Sigh.. all the shit happens to me. I dont' know lah

Someone asked me why I don't want to do PM work. I want.. i actually want to get out of technical. But how? No chance leh. I got to find my niche soon or else I will be too old to move liao.

I don't know.... sometimes i feel so scared of the unknown. That's what I am doing now. And was told DBA always work lausi hours. But I guess a decision has been made and I have to live with that for now. Never know whether a decision is rite or wrong until you try it out and know for yourself.

Today i read in today's reading in Word among US. It states that Holy spirit will guide us.... when we need guidance and direction. I think I need alot of that. Not only me but Sarah too.

Maybe this is a turning point for me to try to trust more and to not be afraid of the unknown.

Carpe diem!

Hope

Yesterday, I went to see my sister in law who is currently in the hospital. She did an x-ray and was informed that she might have lung cancer. As there is a growth in there and apparently the xray shows like its spreading.

Its so funny how i never felt close to her but when I think about her probable death, it just bring tears to my eyes. I dont' want that to happen to her as she has 2 young kids. She told she wants to be prepared so she doesn't want to be too optimisitc. But she can at least HOPE its not rite? Hope does keep one going rite? I hope so.

For once , i actually stayed and talked to her for 1 hour....
At that point, i really thought, her problems are even bigger than mine and eventhough she said she is not strong.... but i can see she is still hanging on. I want her to live. I want her to be able to see her children grow big.

I am praying for her. And I pray that God hears me and grant this miracle. She has sufferred enough but I don't want her to go either. my HOPE is for a miracle to happen. Does miracle happen?

Moving on but heart feels melancholy

So its Tuesdays.... Given letter of offer to the other Co. But why why do I feel down.
Its like I know I have to move on but something is stopping me to be glad. Rather worried actually since the product is totally different.

Lets see how things will be... I hope I will be able to endure this.

I am too fearful of everything. Its like i need to know everything indepth. Maybe that's my weakness

Today sarah is admitted to hospital. Hopefully its not cancer.
She has endured enough.... pain and sufferring.

Decision made

Decision was made today and I have done the thing that i wanted to do for along time. But now the manager of mine is playing shit games with me. Just tell me whether its a yes or not... and the time. No need to keep me waiting and thinking about it like one "orang gila"

So bad lah... that's all i can say. People's true colors really comes up when they become mean huh. Just open up the opportunity for them then you shall see....their monstrous behavior will start to show up.

i hope i won't be like that. I hope i will be level headed if i ever come across situation like this and will be fair and just in all terms.

Lord, grant me the strength to pull through this hard situation.

Is this His Will?

Okay here goes another whinning session... hmmm
After so many of whinning and sleepless nights.. my break finally came. But when it came, I am having jitters. Unsure whether this is the right decision. But if I let this opportunity go, one like this may never come again. What should I do?

Is this His Will... Is he answering my Prayer. Only He would know but i hope I am able to find the tiny whispers in heart that will ensure me that this is His Will. I shall ask for His Guidance tonite. Please Lord, speak to me and let me know if this is your Will.

My greatest fear is that I might be jumping from one shit to another. And if itwas the same product set at least someone can help me from this current org. But progress here has already been stagnant for long time. Its a must to move on. But is it the right move on....

Give me the wisdom to discern Lord.

All becoz of love?

Hmmm.. Watched Troy yesterday.
Made me wonder though, is love that poweful. Can a woman make a nation fall? If that is so, isn't that scary.

Looking forward to my flight...

Hey hey hey its Friday once more. Looks like this is the last week I will be here in Penang. At 6.30pm today I will board my flight to KL. Thats such a great relieve.

Okie remember that shitty int, the other day. Well surprise surprise, he called for a 2nd int. hmmm... Well am just going to go with the flow. See how things goes.

I wonder if everyone counts the days to the weekend like me? How about those people who actually works on Sat too? They have such a short weekend. Isn't that bad? Well, I guess either you work or have to be self relient in terms of your ability to earn money.

Sometimes when I am day dreaming, I visualize myself as someone who works in a job that is truely easy for me and then spend the rest of the time actually doing something I like. Hmm.. no not sleeping. But maybe more to getting a hobby. Doing more sports.

I guess now I really despise my way of life in terms of my job. Its so uncertain and I have to be ready to pack and go anytime. I miss that stability in my life. The days that I can plan what to do.

But mostly I dread doing programming. I always have this thing at the back of head telling me what if i can't finish in time and then I start to panic.

I can't seem to be able to handle myself well in a stressful situation. I guess I got to learn how to relax and learn to take it easy. Everything is like a big tension for me. Everything a daunting task.

This weekend, I will be spending time reflecting and praying more - I hope. Maybe I should devote more time in helping in church. Something I have this feeling tugging at my heart about how I should help more. But something rebelious in me is placing a stop on this. I should ponder more.....

This weekend I m not going to think about it... Let next week come and then see how things goes.

Dup dup bi do!
Ciao!

Its Mid week

Wednesday has finally arrived... and gone actually. Its now 6PM local time. I am still obviously at work. Hahaha.. well rather at work but not working.

I am thinking now, what shoul I think about doing. Rather my change of career? What can I do best? Well, I think alot of people don't like their work so maybe I should go into something that I can do easily. But boredom may dawn on me then what? Sigh... Well, I guess boredom I can still handle but stress is really not good for me.

I noticed that I get panicky once I can't do something esp when it comes to technical stuff. So I must learn to stay calm. Its funny when its other things I can still calm down. Is it due to my lack of confidence in this technical area? I don't know really.

I think its about time i take a holiday. Maybe a month off...